*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for being with us.
I've just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin tonight--
We begin tonight in Turkey, the country named
after the fourth best sandwich and the third best burger.
Turkey's leader President Erdogan
is an important ally to the U.S.
but quite a controversial figure at home.
MAN: Erdogan has been a divisive leader, to say the least.
DIFFERENT MAN: There has been, obviously, cases
of police brutality, charges of massive corruption on his part.
Suspicious financial dealings,
calling to intimidate newspaper editors,
telling their family members how they should
hide large sums of money.
OK. Well, that last one is easy.
If you want to effectively hide large sums of money,
I've got two words for you-- Velcro wallet.
No one will ever suspect there is any money
in one of those things.
Done. You are welcome.
Well, Erdogan recently unveiled his latest polarizing project,
and it is a doozy.
WOMAN: The Turkish president has unveiled
his new presidential palace amidst huge controversy.
Opposition politicians have mocked the extravagance
of the palace, which has 1,000 rooms
and is understood to have cost more than 270 million euros.
1,000 rooms.
That is impressive because after 500 rooms,
you must be straining to think of what to do with them.
"And this is my giant room full of tapioca pudding.
"On your left is the Pivenary, where you'll find
"12,000 photographs of Jeremy Piven.
"It's the world's largest collection of photos
"of Jeremy Piven outside of Jeremy Piven's house.
"And finally, over here is my "Room" room.
"It's a room where I watch the movie "The Room."
His whole palace-- His whole palace is insane.
It is situated on a 1.6 million square feet of land,
and--and this is really what drives the price up--
it's in an excellent school district.
Actually, the palace's location
has been genuinely controversial.
WOMAN: Environmentalists are angry that the complex
is being built on one of the city's
best-preserved green spaces
and that hundreds of trees were cut down.
Now, to be fair, Erdogan offset that environmental impact
by buying a Sodastream.
So no more wasteful cans of seltzer for him.
We're square. We're square.
But Erdogan is not relenting to his critics, even saying,
"No one can prevent the completion of this building.
"If they are powerful enough, let them come and demolish it,"
and that takes some balls, which is actually doubly impressive,
considering that a few years back,
he had his balls stomped on by a horse.
Hey! Hey! Don't you dare feel sorry for that man.
Remember, he has 1,000 rooms
in which to nurse his crushed balls,
and to that Turkish horse, I say this.
You should not step on people's balls,
but in this solitary instance, kudos, horse.
Kudos. So let's move on.
Let's move on to some local news.
Citizens of New York recently got
an exciting Internet opportunity.
MAN: The city's top-level domain .nyc
is now available to all New Yorkers.
That's right.
New Yorkers are now eligible to purchase .nyc domain names
because sometimes a Wesleyan alumni e-mail address
isn't enough to let people on the Internet know
you live in Brooklyn.
There was an immediate rush to register web addresses,
even from ex-mayor Michael Bloomberg.
The law firm representing Bloomberg's foundation
purchased several hundred .nyc addresses related to his name.
Some are normal, like officialmikebloomberg.nyc,
but some aren't as flattering, like mikebloombergisadweeb.nyc
or mikeistooshort.nyc.
Many others were vulgar.
Oh, they were vulgar because these
are some actual domain names his firm purchased--
fuckbloomberg.nyc,
fuckmichaelbloomberg.nyc, fuckmikebloomberg.nyc,
and michaelbloombergistooshort tobepresident.nyc.
I'm guessing--
It's just a thought, but I'm guessing this all began
with Bloomberg walking up to his staff and saying,
"What do people like to say about me?"
and after about 400 suggestions, saying, "OK. Stop. Stop.
Let's just buy all of them."
However, it turns out, he left a few on the table.
For instance, while he did get michaelbloombergisaweiner.nyc,
with an E-I, the I-E version is still available,
or it was available because, to be honest, we bought it,
and we are currently using it to host a single photograph
of Bloomberg with a possible erection
during a Hurricane Sandy press conference.
So we're not wasting it. We're not wasting it.
Also, full disclosure, we also bought
tinytinymikebloomberg.nyc to host an image
of him sleeping in a matchbox bed
using a cotton ball as a pillow.
Shh, you'll wake him. He's so tiny.
And finally, we also got
bloombergeatsbabycorn asifitsrealcorn.nyc,
and none of these domain names are for sale, Bloomberg.
You might have bought 3 elections,
but you can't have these.
In fact, I would encourage everyone to go
to ownit.nyc right now and buy the domain name of your choice.
As of this taping, all of these are available.
Do it because--trust me--there is no better feeling on earth
than owning something a desperate billionaire
is unable to purchase.
And finally, finally tonight--
Finally tonight, I would like to talk--
I'd like to talk about salmon-- cat food for people,
tuna's understudy that you hope never has to go on,
and that stupid fish that doesn't know how rivers work.
Salmon famously have to fight their way upstream to spawn,
but, thanks to hydroelectric dams,
that's become increasingly difficult,
but don't worry because, as we found out recently,
America is on it.
I'm Ben Tracy in Washington state,
where we're going to introduce you
to a pretty sweet piece of technology
known as the salmon cannon.
That's coming up on "CBS This Morning."
You know, sometimes--
Sometimes people say the news has lost its touch,
but every now and then, they fucking nail it
because a cannon that fires fish through a tube
and over a dam is absolutely incredible,
and if you're wondering what it looks like
when they come out the other side,
the company that makes it,
incidentally called Whooshh Innovations,
has produced a spectacular slow-motion video
set to classical music.
*
[Laughter]
In your darkest moments of despair
when you see a world torn apart by war,
I want you to remember that video and think,
"We can do great things. We can do great things."
In fact, let me tell you--
Let me tell you how much I love the salmon cannon.
I love it so much, we made our own cannon this week.
So this thing is pretty powerful.
So who wants to give this puppy a go?
Let's see where this salmon ends up.
Of course, the situation in the Mideast
only getting more complicated.
The U.S. has been bombing--
OK. OK. So we know it works. We know it works.
Let's try firing two fish somewhere else.
Thank you, spatulas, or, as I like to call--
[Laughter and applause]
Very nice.
Let's try something a little more difficult.
You took my daughter from me.
What did you expect?
I'm not trying to deny it,
but I don't remember.
Oh, that's convenient.
It cost me your love.
[Whoosh]
[Cheering and applause]
Clearly, this is the greatest object
that has ever been invented.
So I am emptying this bucket, and let us see
how big we can go on this thing.
Welcome back. I'm Michelle Beadle.
Incredible footage coming out of Houston Rockets practice,
where Dwight Howard was injured making a block.
Howard broke two fingers and is expected to miss--
MAN: Ohh!
Members of the Obama administration temporarily--
There's a new report about Iran's nuclear program,
and it seems--
And that's why it's so important that we support--
[Whoosh]
What the--
This would actually help to--
What the hell?
PAUL SHAFFER: That's actually perfect.
Ha ha ha! What crazy news.
Olive oil.
Hashtag--
Interesting how in this day and age--
[Beeping]
J.J. ABRAMS: Cut, cut. Stop, stop.
R2, awesome, except it's,
"Bleep bleep, squawk, bloop."
Stick to the script because I have--
I'm glad they didn't ask us to come down.
It gets better.
From the Broadway play "The Real Thing"--
What? Hey! Hey! D'oh!
Ooh! Ow! Eek! Ow! OK! Huh!
[EKG beeping]
15 blade.
[Whoosh]
[Long beep]
[Whoosh] Hey!
I quit. I can't work like this.
[Squawk]
[Chewbacca moans]
ABRAMS: Shut up, Chewie.
D'oh! Hey! Ow! D'oh!
Mm, salmon.
Moving on, moving on--
[Cheering and applause]
Moving on,
let's move to our main story tonight--the lottery.
It's the second best use of Magic Marker on ping pong balls
after Kermit the Frog's eyes.
Now, this past week saw a huge Mega Millions draw.
WOMAN: A big winning lottery ticket was sold in New York.
Lots of people around here have been peeking
at their lottery tickets this morning.
MAN: The Mega Millions mystery this evening,
that $321 million jackpot.
The search for the winner is on tonight.
Well, the winner shouldn't be too hard to find.
If someone at your work this week marched in
and told everyone to go fuck themselves
before flipping their desk over and storming out,
that's probably your winner right there,
but don't worry if you didn't hit the jackpot.
You will, frankly, have an unbelievable number
of other opportunities to play.
44 states currently have lotteries,
and you can't have missed the commercials
featuring everything from a ping pong ball thunderstorm
to a furry dressed as a cat playing with a ball of money
to a weird, lucky man who, for some reason,
decided to spend his lottery winnings
terrifying a penguin by taking it hang gliding,
and that is a bizarrely specific use of a big lottery win.
"Look. If my numbers come up, I'm strapping
"a penguin to my chest, and I'm taking to the skies.
"Fuck you, evolution. I decide who flies.
That's my choice, my choice."
Lottery commercials--
Lottery commercials are incredibly seductive,
and they're also everywhere.
States spend half a billion dollars on them every year,
and the reason they do that is that the lottery
is a massive money maker for them.
MAN: Last year alone, lottery sales totaled
about $68 billion.
68 billion.
That's more than Americans spent last year
on movie tickets, music, porn,
the NFL, Major League Baseball, and video games combined,
which means Americans basically spent more on the lottery
than they spent on America,
and if you think about it, it's a little strange
for the government to be running
what is basically a gigantic gambling business,
but we don't think about lotteries like that,
perhaps because they're sold to us
more as charitable foundations.
WOMAN: $3 billion for education opens a lot of doors.
The Tennessee Lottery--
Game Changing, Life Changing, Fun.
MAN: Education matters to Oregonians.
That's why over 5 billion in lottery dollars
have gone to support public education.
The Oregon Lottery-- It Does Good Things.
WOMAN: Every time you play a New York Lottery game,
a portion of your sale goes to aid
New York state school children just like them.
New York Lottery-- everybody wins.
* Thank you for being a friend
Those ads are basically implying that anyone
who does not play the lottery is selfish.
"Hey, why don't you want to educate
these harmonizing children, you fucking monster?"
So let's take a look at those slogans--
"Everybody wins," "The lottery does good things,"
and, "It's game-changing, life-changing fun."
Is it, does it, and do they?
Let's start with the basics.
The lottery generates $68 billion in sales a year.
So where does that money come from?
MAN: Over the course of the last two decades,
multiple studies have found lower-income households
spend a higher percentage of their money on lottery tickets.
Yeah. That kind of makes sense.
Lots of people like to gamble, and for lower-income households,
the lottery is an affordable way to do it.
Generally when wealthy people want to take risks
with their money, they either
choose to invest in the stock market
or they leave their wife for Amber without signing a prenup
because Amber is forever.
Besides, she just gets you.
She's a little tiring, but she'll be there.
The lottery is in the business of selling people hope,
and they do a great job of that.
MAN: Start a college fund for our kids.
*
Start a college fund for their kids.
A game with jackpots worthy of your dreams.
Mega Millions--dream mega.
That feels like an ad for a mutual fund,
but crucially, the lottery is not an investment
because it's worth mentioning that those mega dreams
are mega unlikely to happen.
MAN: What are the real chances of winning?
A lousy one in 176 million.
Winning the Mega Millions is akin to getting struck
by lightning at the same time you're being eaten by a shark.
OK.
That is both an evocative image
and an amazing pitch for a movie.
"OK. So there's this guy.
"He's getting eaten by a shark, see?
"Lightning hits him.
"He switches minds with the shark.
"The shark wins the lottery.
"It's "Freaky Friday" meets "Jaws."
I'm calling it "Slumshark Gillionaire."
"Slumshark Gillionaire"? "Channing Tatum has passed."
Now, the lottery does have some smaller games and prizes
where the odds are a little better,
but even then, it pays out a much lower percentage
of its revenues than even horse racing,
and the worst part is, when you lose the lottery
and you're angry with your ticket,
you don't even have the satisfaction of knowing
that it'll be turned into dog food, and yet--
and yet we are still drawn to the lottery,
partly because we're told to ignore the odds.
WOMAN: It's your dream. Anything can happen.
MAN: Dream, play, win.
DIFFERENT MAN: Hey, you never know.
DIFFERENT MAN: Power your dreams for just two bucks.
PENNY FORD: * I've got the power
Those ads are so effective, in the time it took you
to watch that montage, I went out and bought
all of these lottery tickets.
Someone's gotta win. It might as well be me.
But even when people do win big,
things have a tendency to go south fast.
We've all seen tragic headlines about lottery winners,
like "Lottery Winner Blows Through 27 Million,"
"Lottery Winner Found Dead In Bed,"
or "Brother Hired Hit Man Over 16 Million Jackpot Win."
It seems winning the lottery can be like marrying Tom Cruise.
Sure, it seems amazing in your mind.
You might even dream about it happening one day,
but if it actually does, 5 years later,
the magic will be over, you'll be estranged from your family,
and you will have seen things you can never unsee, never.
[Shudders]
Now, in Israel--
In Israel, lottery winners are actually photographed
wearing masks to protect their identities,
and in the Nineties, this is how
one man from Gaza collected his prize.
WOMAN: Most lottery winners don't turn up
with a bag over their head, but this 24-year-old Palestinian
wanted to remain anonymous.
That's right.
Winning the lottery is such a curse
that you can find yourself in the Middle East with a bag
over your head because something good happened to you.
So why do people play?
Well, for some, they can't stop.
The lottery can be extremely addictive,
and states know this.
Many lotteries offer resources to help problem gamblers.
The Illinois Lottery even has a section on their website
for "responsible gaming," although when we clicked
on the link, we got-- and this is true--
a pop-up ad for the lotto.
Seriously, Illinois?
There is a reason that the first step
in a 12-step program isn't,
"Congratulations on starting the program.
"Why not reward yourself with a refreshing gin and tonic?
Cheers."
Look. I'm sure--
I'm sure that that is just an innocent mistake,
just like I'm sure that it's a coincidence
that if you Google "lottery intervention,"
this is what comes up.
Ah, ha ha ha!
MAN: Need a lottery intervention?
Play the new DC Fast Play games from the DC Lottery.
Feel the thrill of winning instantly.
Are you kidding me?
Someone at the DC Lottery deserves a promotion
before they go directly to hell.
And at the very same time they're supposedly addressing
problem gambling, states are actively expanding
into even more addictive products.
Just look at Oregon.
The lottery takes in about-- makes about a billion dollars
every two years for the state.
About 80% of it, maybe even more--
86%, 90%...
WOMAN: Yeah. That's what we're running
right there on the screen. Boy.
comes from one source, and that's these video machines,
mostly video slot machines or video poker.
The vast majority of Oregon's lottery income
comes from video slots and video poker,
meaning that Oregon claims this is a lottery machine
because of course it is,
just like this is a lottery wheel
and this is a lottery table,
and, of course, we all remember
Martin Scorsese's movie "Lottery."
Machines like these are not only addictive.
They're incredibly lucrative.
Internal Oregon Lottery data indicates
that regular lottery players lost an average
of $106 per year, whereas video poker and slots players
lost an average of $2,564.
That's an insane amount of money.
You could buy a '98 Mazda with that money, and you should.
You should. It's got a moonroof and 6-way speakers.
You should get in it right now and drive
in the opposite direction of any video poker machine,
although good luck with that if you live in Oregon
because these machines are everywhere.
There are more than 12,000 of them in the state,
and that kind of ubiquity puts some people in serious danger.
My boyfriend and I have gotten into fights over--
You know, I'll go out.
You know, I'm just going somewhere with a friend of mine,
and I end up playing video poker,
or I'm supposed to go to the store to buy food,
and then I come home with no food and no money.
You know, as soon as I walk in the door, he knows,
and then we don't have any food.
Remember, the machines that are causing her such trouble
are run by the state, a state which proclaims
its lottery "does good things," and at this point, I'm thinking
it may not be a coincidence that the logo
for the Oregon state lottery is someone crossing their fingers,
the universal sign for lying.
OK. So maybe-- Maybe the next question--
[Applause]
Maybe the next question should be this.
Why do state lawmakers keep approving all this?
Well, as those singing children told us, lotteries are really
all about good causes, like education,
and that's always been the excuse.
State lotteries were illegal in this country until 1964,
when New Hampshire launched the first one
under the guise of a very familiar message.
How come you're buying one of these tickets?
This is the first one in our country,
and I would like to participate in it,
and I also feel that it's for a very good cause--
education.
Well, there probably isn't a better reason,
but there are plenty of better ways to fund education--
sales tax, bake sale, or simply putting cash
into an envelope, writing "school" on the front of it,
and mailing it-- because for all the claims--
for all the claims that lotteries are a huge boost
to education, the reality is a little different.
MAN: Our investigation of government spending
in the 24 states that dedicate lottery funds for education
yields a stunningly bad report card.
The percentage of state spending on education is down or flat
in 21 of those states from coast to coast.
Lotteries provided no additional funding
for education in 21 out of 24 states.
As math students in one of those places would put it,
that is nearly 50%.
How is this possible?
Well, let's just look at North Carolina.
Their governor inaugurated the North Carolina Education Lottery
nearly a decade ago with big promises.
When the lottery is fully implemented,
we'll be adding another half-billion dollars annually
for education.
Half a billion extra. That sounds great.
You'd think by now, all North Carolina preschoolers
would be strutting around in fine, bespoke suits
quoting Nietzsche and Kierkegaard,
but, in fact, North Carolina currently spends
less per student on education
than it did when the lottery even began,
and if you're thinking, "How the fuck is that possible?"
it's because money in state budgets
tends to move around a lot.
Trying to add money just for one purpose
is a bit like trying to piss in one corner of a swimming pool.
It's going all over the place, no matter what you claim.
Let me give you just a narrow example.
In 2012, North Carolina used $100 million
of lottery money for school construction,
but that didn't mean the school construction budget
was 100 million bigger than it would have been
because while that money was flowing in,
other money was flowing out.
MAN: A portion of corporate income taxes
used to go toward construction, but when the lottery passed,
that tax money went away,
substituted with lottery revenue.
And where did that corporate tax money go?
Who knows? There's not even a warm spot where it once was,
but in a completely unconnected development,
North Carolina plans to cut corporate taxes substantially
over the next few years.
So thanks for playing the Education Lottery,
North Carolina.
Better luck next time.
But despite all this,
states are not only keeping faith in lotteries.
They're doubling down and trying to reach new players
by putting it on your cell phone.
Illinois launched an app this year to let you buy tickets
on your phone, which is terrifying
because we all know that if, starting right now,
your mother could play the lottery as easily
as she plays Candy Crush, in 3 weeks,
she'll be preparing Thanksgiving dinner over a trashcan fire,
but I'm sure that Illinois will make the same arguments
that everyone does to justify state-sponsored gambling--
"Hey, it brings in money for good causes,"
except, as I think we've seen by now,
lotteries are bad for losers, often bad for winners,
and a pretty compromising way to assist state budgets.
Think about it this way.
Gambling is a little like alcohol.
Most people like it.
Some are addicted to it, and it's not like the state
can or should outlaw it altogether,
but it would be a little strange if the state
was in the liquor business, advertising it by claiming
that every shot of vodka you drink
helps school children learn.
Yeah.
* Thank me for being a friend
[Cheering and applause]
I'm gonna get those kids an iPad.
I'm a winner. Everybody's a winner.
And now this.
MALE ANNOUNCER: And now...
So, you know, spoiler alert,
there's no one food that's gonna really perk you up.
MAN: Train versus tractor trailer,
and, spoiler alert, the tractor trailer loses.
LESTER HOLT: We introduce you to some of the newest additions
at our nation's zoos, and, spoiler alert, they're adorable.
That sort of classic summertime pattern
is going to be returning, but it may be
a little bit of a spoiler alert for your weekend.
The jobs numbers are in, and, spoiler alert,
they're really good.
The big question tonight--
will Republicans take control of the U.S. Senate?
They need 6 seats to pull it off.
So what will happen? Spoiler alert, we don't know.
[Cheering and applause]
And finally tonight, finally,
I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is, this is our final show of the year.
The good news is, we will be back in 2015, which, frankly--
[Cheering and applause]
frankly, that seems like--
That seems like a poor decision on HBO's part,
but we're not complaining.
We've had such a fun year dealing with all
the most important stories out there,
from dead space sex geckos to pole-dancing chickens
to Scottish unicorns to whatever this was.
This exuberance is never gonna blow up in our face.
USA! USA! USA!
Obviously, that was part of a story
about vicious, antihomosexuality laws in Uganda, and, of course--
Amazingly, that's actually true.
And there were, of course, also, the occasional musical numbers.
* Our prison population is bigger than Slovenia *
* 'Cause we put people in jail *
* Instead of treating schizophrenia *
Now, in our defense, you find a better rhyme
for "treating schizophrenia."
It is not easy.
It has been a really fun first year,
and I just want to take a moment to thank our whole staff,
who have worked incredibly hard and, as well, to thank
some of the other personnel who've helped us a great deal.
First are the characters from our prison piece.
So I just wanted to say, thank you so much
for your help, guys.
Oh, no problem, Mr. Oliver. Yeah.
I can't believe you're already
done for the year.
I know. It's just flown by, the time. Yeah.
I can't believe you're going on vacation
after only 24 episodes, hmm?
I don't know about "only" 24 episodes.
That seems like a lot.
Really? Jimmy Fallon does 5 shows a week,
and his are an hour long.
Yeah. Well, you know, I'm not Jimmy Fallon.
I wish you were. Hey, hey, hey.
He's amazing.
He's a total entertainer,
a quadruple threat.
Yes. He's so handsome, too,
all-American good looks,
not a bit of cynicism.
I get your point. You like Jimmy.
I get it. Yeah.
Well, I just wanted to say thank you to you guys.
You look transfixed by the idea of him.
Yeah.
I wanted to say thank you not just to you guys,
but also to some other people
because there are a few others who wanted
to say good-bye before the season ends.
So let me take this opportunity to thank
our pole-dancing rotisserie chicken
and our sexy soybean,
our horny space sex gecko, our Miss America,
our Scottish independence unicorn,
our breakdancing Lincoln, and, of course,
who can forget our Supreme Court dogs?
Here they are.
Who's a very important check and balance?
You are. You are.
Thank you all so much for watching.
We will see you next year.
I can't thank you enough. Good night. Good night.
No! No!